Today is my Birthday. Almost half a century I have lived. I am ok with it. I think of my mother. I had long ago told Rikki that Birthdays were for Mothers, as you see it is we who remember with infinite detail the day the hour the minute that our child left our body and came into this world.
Today I will write my daughter a goodbye letter, how many people get a chance to do that, i mean really how many do? I even have two wonderful contacts to leave to her, weather I be alive or in heaven, she now has two solid people that can answer her questions, assist her in any way that I would, or even perhaps help to set up a meeting and perhaps even meet one another. One is a lawyer - don't hold it against him, he is a great guy not a typical lawyer, he does conservatorships, executors, guardian he will handle all my personal affairs here on out throughout my life and in death. Power of attorney perhaps is a better word.
The second contact is a youth pastor. This is the one I really want her to reach to. She hurts so badly, her world -- so very much pain and sadness but like her mom she does her best to change that into positive. at age 18 she must feel like 118. I ache for her lost childhood, I pray for her future freedom happiness and most of peace.
My daughter graduates May 19, 2013. Absolutely amazing how fast the time goes. All through out all these tortuous years it seemed that each and every day, each and every hour and minute of every day for the past 18 years and then more the past 13 years when my child was gone.
I thought it was hell the first 6 years,but even in that hell, Rikki and I were still together. I would gladly trade one hell for another just to see her eyes shine, to hear her laughter, her voice. the smell of her hair the softness yet firm holding of my hand.But of course I am recalling the last time I knew my daughter she was 6 years old and nothing else mattered nothing could compare to her and I not even the weekly court hearings the long visits. We always made it through because we had each other.
I have been trying to to scan the photos, the videos, more times than not I come across stuff I had not thrown away. One audio recording was just like that. It is a cassette tape standard size, through the years i have had them all until the mid 2000’s when digital entered the world.
This tape though for whatever reason did not make it to the trash. insert audio here
I remember on my birthdays past - before Rikki was born, of having manicures pedicures stuff like that. On this day, I write to her one last time (except for here). I look back on my life and I did the best I could. Everything I did I did for her. everything. I could not directly reach or help her so I reached out to change the world she lived in, to make it better for her somehow.
I am not an advocate. I am a mother. being a mother always trumps everything else. By being a mother I just happened to meet a whole lot of other mothers globally who to were being tortured via the system by their abusers. How do you survive something like that? You survive by being with like minded. Women, mothers from all over the world have been my best friends, my family, my warrior sisters, all who are just as I. Well, most are not as old as I am lol and most still have children still trapped in the system.
But all are the absolute most amazing women ever. Usually women are inhumane to another. I see this is still being taught in our youth. I know this comes from the patriarchal society. Seriously, if women were to unite. and think free men would lose control of the world. And men for the most part are creatures made so differently than women. I used to joke about boys being dumb when I was a kid. Now, how in the hell do they control everything? Because ‘we’ let them.
Abigail Adams writes about this. once while tending the garden with her daughter, the daughter asked her mother then why do we let them? Abigail answered ‘because we love them so much’ we are simply happy when they are home. - that is the mother- the caretaker the nurturer the family is only because of her.
I absolutely love history. so much to learn so many parallels and it wasn't that long ago. These are our roots. As a free people. free of the crown free to become or to fail in whatever way we choose. I am saddened beyond words at the loss of those values that created (far from perfect) but the best country in the world. at the moment WE still can complain about our civil constitutional and human rights being violated. But these are under attack, I believe that when the dust settles, the ‘heart’ of the people that fuel the strength of this nation, will too become victorious. It is seriously just like the Nazi Propaganda of WWII, insert link here.
It brings chills to body when reading it, It is happening now.
So........ with all the world madness here i am again. just a small tiny one person.. a mother trying to talk to understand and more so to heal in the hopes that her daughter to will find solace healing and validation. seems small compared to the rest but it all plays a part. a simple yet only one thing that must be needed in order to accomplish any of the other. Freedom.
Freedom to succeed or to fail. To be the master of our own destiny. To live and to learn to invent to experience. (not to be told by the government what we can drink, how to live-- geez the shit is getting so bad I dare not watch the news anymore.
Back to current - I do not know where I will be or even if I will be. I do know that when You graduate on May 19th, I will be as well leaving the war zone. This is why the last letter to you is so important. Your two contacts. No matter what, where or those are the contacts to, for and of me. Just mom for her daughter.
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Can some tell me why a simple highlight turned my hair orange?
Brassy.... hmmm ;-)
Brassy.... hmmm ;-)
it has sas :-)
