April 21, 2012
Last Wednesday (4-18-12) at Washburn rural high school, I
let Michelle the advocate talk me into going to your track meet again. One week
after you told her how awful I was. Oh baby it was like a light switch turned.
I of course always looking for you- have binoculars and omg
you are so beautiful. I found you, you were on the other side of the track, I
watched you in the bleachers. As I watched you through the binoculars you
walked down the bleachers across the track field you reached my side and were
looking through the bleachers, as I continued watching you through the
binoculars you started walking up and into the bleachers…..You were so close!!
I moved binoculars saw you were maybe 20 feet from me!!
Scared I turned my head—as
to not scare you away --- (Michelle who was watching from a different place)
said that you too saw me and like me—you turned but that it was me your mom you
were looking for. LoL
Any ways like last time, I had a small gift in a small gift
bag. As the meet began Michelle who had talked to your ‘friend’ (a friend of
yours) seems to have a rapport with ….
What happened next was beyond words…. For the next three
hours… I watched you watching me. Something strange was happening, while you were
on the field with your friends—you were hugging them talking to them and then
all of you were staring at me this went on until the entire track field was throughout
hugging you Rikki staring at me, I wasn’t for sure – are you crying? No, you were
smiling. I saw for the first time since your dad stole you a light in your
eyes. That beautiful sparkle that long ago died.
Am I imagining? ‘No’ - the advocate said ‘no not all’… she
was just as in awe….. of the silent but obvious entire students on the track field—amazing.
I gave the little
gift to the advocate (like I did last time) I was going to try to give it to
you myself. I have two more meets to accomplish this goal before again before
you turn 18.
I stood boldly, happily by the fence like I did last time—the
whole time watching you watching me—your friends watching me.. No binoculars
needed- I was that close. J
I was waiting for you to run, then suddenly people started
to leave, the meet was over. The kids including you – were walking back to the
buses… spectators were leaving, I searched out Michelle the advocate—she was
walking my way, she said I guess it’s over, I was heartbroken, the gift--- she
smiled said one of your friends came to her and got gift for you! J How cool is that!
I was going to try to find you at a relays to day—and this
time would be alone. Michelle said if you were there to just raise the small
gift bag and one of your friends will get it.
But unable to go as I have no idea if you are in Lawrence or
emporia I have decided to not track around the eastern part of state and
instead wait till this Wednesday and then may 2 the last track meet, plus Michelle
will be there--- she can read the situation objectively as well, your friends too
lol.
Rikki, if I never see you again I can say that that last
meet, that smile, the incredible love and support from not only your friends
but the coaches was phenomenal. I recall once in 2009, we met. I told you my
best friend had been my mom, I looked at you, asked who as your best friend,
you burst into tears, “I have no friends mom”—God baby I died a hundred times
over. Of course you wouldn’t that would be supremely threatening to daddy’s
control and power---- BUT you have them now….wow!!
Perhaps one day maybe we could begin to contact via txt or
something through one of ‘all’ your friends. For now, I am so happy to see you
surrounded by so many who support you.
I have been on cloud ‘hope’---- since then. I feel warmth in
my heart—I feel you my child—my beautiful young adult daughter.
Next meet Wednesday, April 27, 2012 I will see you then baby. And of course a small gift bag
(like a flag) will be there for one of your friends to intercept for you.
I love you Rikki, more than life its self as you are have
always been since the day you came out of my womb. My heart left my body. But you always reside in a mystical, amazing
way throughout my entire being. Until next time - or until I am able to write
again. Be the wind--- fly high, fly free.
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https://plus.google.com/photos/106192456536943612939/albums/5733968037696543825
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