I have been in that ‘empty nest syndrome’. only my nest is like the whole world -- since my child was taken from me at the tender age of six. 13 very long years ago.
After two appeals and two petitions for review to the state supreme court, in the end the violence was completely ignored and my baby was handed over to the perpetrator who had brutally assaulted me, over and over -- usually 2-3 times per week.
After two appeals and two petitions for review to the state supreme court, in the end the violence was completely ignored and my baby was handed over to the perpetrator who had brutally assaulted me, over and over -- usually 2-3 times per week.
That is when my life as a mother ended and my life as who I became - what I have done in the arena of hell -- began. A mother who lost her daughter because our human rights to be free of inhumane torture simply does not exist.
It is hard to know what the future holds for my daughter. I have “pushed rock uphill” have helped give face and a name to the blood and dirt of so many who are skipped over - mothers, battered mothers who are judicially and societally ordered into even greater horrors - the complete stripping of anything that once was human into a societal view of ‘repulsive’ and ‘vindictive bitch’ - the complete minimizing and diminishing of the horrendous torture that SHE endured - tortures that, would have it happened to any other - would be a world wide outrage - like Steubenville - New Delhi, be-headings or honor killings and stoning's, they cause but only ‘some’ outrage. But for we, the mothers of a hell worst than hell its self -- we go through that, have been there, done that, only 100 times more and a hundred times more intensely ---
Most definitely we are and remain NON VINDICATED. The mother who was a good mother, the high societal level of standards met - caretaker who did all the right things --- only to be kicked down, trampled, battered and left -- literally for dead.
All these years for the human rights of mothers, women, daughters and her daughters, in looking back -- what did I achieve?
I know that there is absolutely nothing that I would have done differently, every thing I did was for my daughter. What though did I do? In looking back at what -- if-- any legacy did I leave for her? To find of her mother, my life is easily summoned by the news media playlist. chronologically going back through time from the last when DV became legal in Topeka KS - to the 1st in 1997.
Did I do enough? Of course not. Can I do do more? No. I am spent. I literally gave my whole life, my whole soul to save my daughter by ‘saving’ the rest of the world through ‘speaking out’ -- even when my voice shook. That I simply have nothing left to give.
I wasn't supposed to survive this. I was supposed to have died in a barely audible ‘whimper’ a long long time ago. My ‘activism’ (hate using that word) was my lifeline. Literally it kept myself and yes Rikki alive. I HAD no choice but to be as loud as I could - as vocal as I could -- because that way ‘eyes were on us’ even if not directly on our SITUATION, but indirectly because I was so strong on the human rights of violence against women that the rest of the world to this day deems acceptable.
In one news clip “Why do you do this??” …. I do this for my daughter [who witnessed the violence against her mother for years] -- and for her daughters and for their daughters. In any way that I could.
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| Click to Video - Kansans Seek To Limit Judicial Discretion |
From Judges giving child rapists a helping hand, to organize and agitate the people of my community, the same community that failed my daughter and I..... still.
Now, I look around me. I see who I am, what I have done -- and more so -- not done. Domestic violence still is NOT a crime in the city of Topeka, yes, the media came and went because the the state of Kansas by law has to prosecute but the political positioning remains the same.
The city of Topeka REMOVED the ordinance of Domestic violence as a crime so that they would not have to prosecute. They [the city of Topeka] to this day have NOT reinstated it.
In 10 days by baby will graduate high school and like so many other children before her (Leadership council estimated conservatively 58 thousand a year - that's more than 1,000 week - and that was back in 2008) and --obviously so many more yet to come --- this is the turning point.
Most never make it back to their mothers - because they know only of the power and the criminal rewards of the evil they have been forced into -- they far out way what the mind could ever conceive, another 3rd of these ‘throw away kids’ end up committing suicide because of the lack of heart in the aforementioned and those babies that were separated from their mothers at an early age --- simply are never able to reach out -- its a door that yields so much pain, so much torture that IF they have any reason at all to make any kind of sense -- out of their tortured lives - some doors are simply left best closed.
So many mothers before me - I recall-- just like I am now. (years with no contact) Go to and finally see their child at high school graduation and never see them again. One last stab, one more time to gain the ultimate destruction - they learned a very long time ago--- that to best please the beast ---that has so much power and so many rewards for hurting --- without care --- the best and only way is to simply continue to stay in the good light of the beast --- avoid doing the one thing he hates more than her -- her mother. The means must meet the ends.
If our children had died we could grieve them and turn it over to God, but the death of the maternal child bond is constant, without reprieve, without peace - only anguish.
Happy Mothers Day and Graduation all within a week. Talk about the totality of that final bomb. No wonder they are never heard from again. Those few that did survive the fires and find each other again -- they keep their peace and the healing very close to heart, because in a blink of the eye -- they know that it too will be gone.
That simply driven to change the world will no longer matter because the real reason that I or Susan Murphy Milano’s of the world ever did --- what we did --- was for our children.
On death beds a mothers last whisper is for her child that is what it is really about, has always been about. (God Susan my friend I miss you so much. With her death, on the anniversary of my own mother's death October 28th, 2012 -- well my heart is beyond repair. Susan remains in my every thought of navigation my own self healing a whole other chapter to Susan will have to be next)
So, who won the war?
Depends on the what defines the war..... if it means my lifetime or even my daughters -- we did not. If it means that in a few more generations -- the grandchildren of my daughters era -- perhaps then, we as a society will care enough about others, have compassion and actually do for others instead of - only ourselves -- then perhaps, maybe -- maybe then we can say, ‘many battles were lost - many lives were taken but we finally did win the war’ -- and it was not without the life sacrifices of those who came before, those people who gave it everything to pave the path. Let their cries, the ghosts of so many before - never be forgotten.
The Path
Unpaved
I've walked
this path alone so often,
I know it's form by heart.
And now, as always, my footing's unsure,
on its unstable and rocky start.
I know it's form by heart.
And now, as always, my footing's unsure,
on its unstable and rocky start.
I
second-guess each step I take,
for fear I'll slip and fall,
for fear I'll slip and fall,
That one
wrong step will lend me to,
an end that ends it all.
an end that ends it all.
One misplaced
foot, one careless word,
an avalanche begins;
The tug of war of heart and mind,
till one of them finally wins.
an avalanche begins;
The tug of war of heart and mind,
till one of them finally wins.
Each time
I've walked this troubled path,
It’s ended journey not together,
Each time I fear that to walk it again,
will tear me apart forever.
It’s ended journey not together,
Each time I fear that to walk it again,
will tear me apart forever.
I haven't the
strength to walk it alone,
nor the energy, if only I knew..
As every time I take this route,
I fear it may be my last too.
nor the energy, if only I knew..
As every time I take this route,
I fear it may be my last too.
I don't know
how to stop the pain,
Of traveling down this road again.
I've fought it time and over,
only to start it over again.
Of traveling down this road again.
I've fought it time and over,
only to start it over again.
Yet each and
every day I persevere,
As I steady
my Unstable start:
I know that only change can come
From all of Passions Heart.
So if I must,
I’ll rest awhile.
Ignore the Siren song.
Take comfort in the truth I dare
Unshakably, I will try to stand eternally strong.
© AngelFury
2005
