Its 10:30 in the morning. The last day I will see you from a distance – perhaps forever, perhaps only just another year. Either way I sit here in tears for all the years lost, for all the pain, for the future yet to come. On one hand I want this day to be over --- the other I want it to never end. God Rikki, my daughter I love you so much, I am not always strong in fact there is not a day that does not go by without the tears of losing my child in sadness to anger of the court whores who profited by such torture.
Today at 3:30 pm the last time I will see you from a distance. The month of May—Mother’s day no less soon. I don’t know when, it does not matter – only that I recall we filed suit at the IACHR on mother’s day may 11, 2007. I, thinking that now (back then) that all the weight of the world had been finally lifted from shoulders. Year 2012. Not true. I still miss you still cling to hope, my mother and now God.
God failed us Rikki, so many years ago. He allowed the evil to take you from me 13 years ago--- 13 isn’t that an omen—13? Bad luck Friday? It doesn’t matter I quit believing in fairy tales a long time ago, more so I quit believing in God. Until mom died. I always knew that Jesus loved your granny, if ever there was a miracle it was your granny Rikki. She walked and talked and emulated pure love for all …. She forgave—that is not our job as humans I would argue. Its Gods job, most certainly not mine. Especially when my child, my self were burning in the pit of his so called glory. That was every day and every night for this past 13 years.
Lately, not because of anything in particular or different, except that although I prayed for death all those years ago I certainly did not want to die. With your birthday coming up in a few short months December 12, you will be 18—and at age 18 every one seems to think it’s a "magic wand" age when suddenly everything changes – like in those so called fairy tales… and ‘they all lived happily ever after.’ When in reality, it only becomes worst. The most dangerous time for any woman, child--- is when they leave. When that torturer feels he has come to lose control, that day is fast approaching for you baby.
All age aside, you still have one more year of high school. One more year of pure terror and denial. One more year to survive. One more year before you can even think about breaking free, let alone about what is true. That’s a lifetime ….. a life time of so many more years. I have been like a rock all these years baby, BEING THE CHANGE I WANTED THE WORLD TO SEE. I sucked my life force, allowed myself and will continue until my last breath to lay road maps for your survival—the survival of so many. I cannot reach you directly… I can however reach on other issues.
An advocate they say I am, yes I suppose I am. I am an advocate for everyone else because I could not save you, I could not lessen your pain, I could not save myself. I know that you hate reading about the horridness of our lives; I can’t remember most the bad stuff that has never made it to the courts or on line. No need, the court record is mind boggling enough. I can only imagine—and not well the last 13 years (there’s that damn evil number again) have been like for you. Mostly, I don’t want to know, as it would all utterly be the end of me and any good I have left in me to reach through hell literally and build a bridge for you – and so many others to cross.
There is no good in the system; the rape of justice began long before you and I were thrown into the bowels of hell called the judiciary. Long before your granny even fought for justice. Her mother and her mother……..
So, why bother right? Wrong. Because my dear sweet Rikki, let me guess you reach out to others don’t you? You reach out to children and hold their hearts in a certain that only they and you understand. This is because of what we have been through and I too do exactly as you. We were not able to stop the murder of our own, our entire MATERNAL FAMILIY or even to have known them were you Rikki? You have been denied the human – God given right to even know your own mother, as I too have been denied Gods inherent right to mother my own child—you Rikki.
So what the fuck ---- literally, what in all the god damn Sam hell are we freeking left with? Well, my daughter, as the miracle of your granny would say and I thank god for her presence in the most crucial time of our lives birth to age 7 for you. That we were trained as warriors. Yes baby, you are a warrior, your pain is literally the salvation of thousands of others, -- (as was mine) and both still remain. Our journey has truly only just begun. That so completely sucks…….. to think that now at age 18 all shall be at peace…. ( the magic wand is broken baby) to think that all we have gone through is not the end – but only the fucking beginning—would make Genghis Kahn ‘cower’ in fear.
But baby, here is your chance…… here finally is your generation, all grown up and ready to take the reigns of the world. But dammit baby…… don’t be politically correct don’t be quiet, don’t worry about stepping on toes, as long as you have no children I want you to fight—fight hard fight until your last dying breath so that all those children you hug all those others who suffer, you’re their Gabriel, their arch angel and then your life will not have been in vain.
Not something you expected a mom to say to her beloved daughter. On the last day she she may ever even see her --- even from afar. But, it is because of the love I have for you--- the undying – damn them all to hell how fucking dare they… that with this day I send to you the same message, that you must carry forward for all those who are so much weaker than you.
Cry and scream baby FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE----DOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!
(watch brave heart) that is the FREEEDOM we all have – that has been taken from us—from or future from your future—and baby freedom is not free.
Ps (don’t vote Obama--- even the white horse prophecy sad as it may be is better than Sharia law) it will at least give us a chance to reverse all the evil done. Good bye my child, soon we will be sisters as well as mother and daughter- fighting side by side. It has only just begun.
After today, again I am back in my own little hell world, I ask that you, (like I will) try to smell the flowers along the way. Death will come soon enough. It is not our will, but (yes you all can strike me dead at any time now) but it is God’s. And you know baby, I can fight mountains of armies, but I cannot fight them and him too. I have found a certain peace in finally letting go--- not to death -- but to him.
I pray on my hands and knees child, that when you invoke his assistance that he jumps – I don’t know if that’s how it actually works but--- for me - it has, at least in the peace realm. With him, I can hold you and granny, and feel you both in my heart. You have not died, you are not gone, you are always, ALWAYS here with me baby. Sometimes in your journey you will be so tired, I offer to you a forever invitation to come to me and to just ‘be’. A chance to re energize --- a time to feel peace. To feel the wind upon your cheek to cool your body in the water of the pool. I will be here Rikki always. No ties, no bounds. Here for you for just when ever.. you need or want. You my child know how to reach me. And now –(again) with this final goodbye…. I too will heal – so that you my child can continue the fight for not just yours but one day—you will have daughters (you won’t until your 30’s like me) but for them, their daughters and their daughters… the cry of FREEDOM!!! Shall ring loud upon them and their fight soon will be rewarded because of you.
Us, older ones--- will continue to help in paving the unpaved path. This will never change, never end.
(time to shower now, to dress and to see you from afar--- one last time) I will drink a toast to you afterwards. Happy mother’s day, birthdays x-mas and all that, but mostly baby, know my darling child that you are not alone, you were born literally in the fires of hell, that sanctity of purity will burn through your veins the rest of your mortal life. Make them count.
https://plus.google.com/photos/106192456536943612939/albums/5733968037696543825
The Path Unpaved
I've walked this path alone so often,
I know its form by heart.
And now, as always, my footing's unsure,
on its unstable and rocky start.
I second-guess each step I take,
for fear I'll slip and fall,
That one wrong step will lend me to,
an end that ends it all.
One misplaced foot, one careless word,
an avalanche begins;
The tug of war of heart and mind,
till one of them finally wins.
Each time I've walked this troubled path,
It’s ended journey not together,
Each time I fear that to walk it again,
will tear me apart forever.
I haven't the strength to walk it alone,
nor the energy, if only I knew..
As every time I take this route,
I fear it may be my last too.
I don't know how to stop the pain,
Of traveling down this road again.
I've fought it time and over,
only to start it over again.
Of traveling down this road again.
I've fought it time and over,
only to start it over again.
Yet each and every day I persevere,
As I steady my Unstable start:
I know that only change can come
From all of Passions Heart.
So if I must, I’ll rest awhile.
Ignore the Siren song.
Take comfort in the truth I dare
Unshakably, I will try to stand eternally strong.
© AngelFury 2005
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