April 13, 2012 – Friday (omg lmaO FREEKY FRIDAY)
I love You my daughter, You Are the Wind.
(post not finished just loose thoughts b4 I 4get - old age ya know)
The Google Docs to one file this file - android ready editable even for old codgers like me lol
I need a secretary a personal one—As I cannot put to paper what comes to mind—perhaps a commitment to a recorder is in due order. My android does this- I will try- I love new age tech- use it to work for us ;-0 even us old dog’s not new tricks but just sensible new easy stuff :-0) so uploading this to somewhere cloud I think so I can access on droid and continue my mix master – lol not the interstate mix master in Dallas- I so cannot wait to tell you Rikki of the stuff you my child are made of—be patient. Hell it’s only life a simple journey- and tech makes it easy even for old senile fucks like myself --- lol I also need a new pair of shoes!!! Sandals – love summer.
My Dearest Rikki, my daughter,
I saw you win a sprint 2 days ago--- run like the wind. I was able to be closer to you than I have ever been allowed in this past 13 years, simply because you did not recognize me. It has been years since we had even minimal contact. (link Sham in sn co)
I was so truly blessed to have this most special video of you. One I will cherish always. Later, a local advocate gave to you a small trinket from Australia, I knew that you like in the decade and a half, would go into fear mode, if you saw me - as the punishments are great, have been and I know remain.
idk why it wont embed from FB it is now uploading from my droid to youtube account;
http://www.youtube.com/user/ANGELFURY1212/videos
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I told her and perhaps it was God- or granny who allowed the timing of the events—the run—the win—and the words of “Run like the wind - Fly high Fly free”—only “Run Like the Wind” was stated when the advocate gave you the simple un marked small Australian box.
Your mouth, I was told, dropped open. You knew so much, in a micro second.
Therefore, I know now like I never knew before, that the first seven years of your life, are the foundation of who you will be and are as an adult. Thanks to my mother, your granny, there are many things you will simply know simply feel and not even know why.
I want to try to explain who you really are. Please be patient with me, I am old, I am disorganized, I suffer great physical pain and I am battle worn more than any wartime soldier.
Any one can endure anything for a while.- what most cannot survive is the time of the torture. I am at the very end of this journey, you my daughter have not even begun, it is with my hope, that my words can help you one day somewhere along this life that I brought you into. It is with so much pain that I alone bear the brunt of bringing you into a world to be tortured. I am sorry but I wish to also say thank you, as I never knew what love was, until you grew inside me, until you beat all the odds and survived at birth, you are a million dollar baby. The army paid in excess of 1 mil for you.
I guess I will start with the fact that today I am not as smart as Iused to be. My health is beyond deteriorated. I may never meet you this life, so I struggle with trying to write. Since the track meet, you showed such courage such strength when you approached the advocate, you alone questioned her, you baby will make it. It is with some of the questions, the anger you have the comments you made that drive me now to do my best to answer.
Denial, disassociation, complete loss of any memory is a normal and human natural response to traumas that are would otherwise kill you. Therefore, you-like I have no memory –it seems- of any past. They are though however there.
Oh where to start……… this is where I always stop. Where do I start? Ok, in response to a few comments you made to the advocate.
Q: My mom is on welfare or paid by the state, my dad gets $600.000 a month cuz she is lazy for my care.
Q: Why didn’t my mom give me the gift.
Q: My dad is the only who loves me, takes care of me, ‘buys’ me whatever I need.
Q: My mom is a slut.
Q: My mom is crazy.
(note to self--amazed that the Nutz and Slutz is still soooo prevalent after all these years)
Q: I cant ‘talk’ to my mom
Q: I don’t know my mom
Q: It must all be my moms fault, because my dad said so.
Ohhh and this one J
Q: Why does she dress so ‘creepy’?
Ok Rikki, even though we have not had the gift of ‘knowing’ each other, there are certain things that can never be severed, certain needs, certain questions, certain feelings.
I also have a most difficult time typing, my bones are still with arthritis, those that were broken and not only is it difficult to walk, stand move, but the mere thought of typing can bring tears to my eyes. This past year I have aged ten years, I know that, I will not have the chance next year to write to you, so in all my madness, my glory, my hope and more than anything-like the past 18 years my love for you ‘drives’ me. When I think I can no longer go on, when I help others, it is you I think of, and for you there is nothing I cannot or will not do.
I have never alluded to myself- I always tried and was super positive. You however were raised like a warrior. To be in awe of the wind, the thunder, the change of the seasons, because you see this they could never take. This is what your first seven years were like. The power of nature, God over the man made human- many who need to be destroyed and will be in time. A world so cruel, so sadistic. I am eternally grateful that I was able to raise you on the power of the enduring human spirit given inalienable rights by our maker- and the strength and the connection that we feel when that power surpasses the evil, on a daily basis—with even just a hint of breeze- a leaf floating aimlessly, the clouds moving in stereo, the sky the tress the sounds of the world that we inhabit.
To be able to ‘run like the wind’- to escape to fly high and to fly free. Yes baby, I know that feeling I was a runner too. J
Part 2 –Reality and Unity
My mother used to always say that she would come back and haunt me from her grave- I ache for her too, but she never has, this however Rikki, will. Granny taught me this – Even when I am gone, I will always be here, like every other mother – we are all one we carry the dead we carry the silent, we care for each other’s children as we would if we could care for our own. The genocide against mothers and her children is pandemic. Knowing that you are not the ‘only’ one should give credence, as that is step one of the ‘crazy-making’ and the ‘murder of motherhood’.
We, mothers have bonded – we have all lost our heart our souls- our very life force= our children, not to death not to God but to hell it’s self. Some of the children who have survived, have also found voice, validation and although their childhoods were completely destroyed they to are forming in the masses, many have not survived Rikki, many are dead. The fact that I can now write this, means that I now know you will survive, the death part, but now to overcome in spite of your stolen innocence and to be strong, be solid in your convictions of righteousness, of humanist and to have no guilt no remorse regrets and above all to be at complete peace and synchronicity – to be ‘one with the universe’ - this is the most awesome most powerful and the single hope for the survival of the human race. Simple concept - Mother Nature. To just ‘be’.
What is right is right- what is wrong is wrong. No gray areas= just black and white, in a world of destruction, whitewash and bullshit…… come back to you, your heart. What does it say? Do not second guess it, do not ignore it. Act on it, this is how we were made, this is natural this is where we as a society need to get back to—for those of us, and perhaps many generations yet to come we will not be there as a society, but for now we start with ourselves, we look into the mirror and polish our own souls. With this, we automatically send out that life force to others, until it catches like wild fire, but in the interim my dear sweet child, it will give you the peace, the strength and all the answers are within you- listen to them.
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